Wrinkles

Hanging in the living room corner, 
just beside the purple vase, 
right behind the heater – the one, mom bought in the coldest winter, 
Is a charcoal frame of yesteryears, freezing a scene at least two decades old – no,a couple more. 
Two sets of wrinkled feet -one brown and one pink.

I guess it was a Friday, 
there were ferries all along the coast. Awaiting the tired souls after a five day haul. 
Do you remember Miss P, we visited each summer, 
one with the yellow hair; 
yes, behind that very household. 
May be, may be not, 
can’t trust the tales of, a then nine and another four year old.

Dusk was set, tide all time high. 
Black water gushed and washed ashore; clinging on to the innocent ankles, they tried to stay firm on their hold. Desperate. 

Until reminded, seas can’t be partial, waves are detached and impersonal. Reluctantly slipping through, with a promise to visit again sometime on the morrow.

Giggling sea – tanned  faces, 
wriggling their brown and pink toes in the still receding surf. 
Leaving their tiny feet wrinkled and cold.

Mansi and Tej ~ episode 3

“Would you like some tea?”
Nodding his head, Tej added, “yeah, just give me a minute ” and he went inside. 

The wind was light, the gentle breeze swaying the leaves of the trees.
Mansi took a deep breath, an ultimate feeling of satisfaction spread through her. May be it’s the fresh air and the scenic view. Or may be the just the man behind, his presence, her anchor, always guiding her to his heart. 

A stronger bout of wind passed by, gushing against her face, her hair now strewn all across her face. The leaves no longer swayed but fluttered like a sparrow propelling its wings for a take off. The sound was like music to her ears. Everything seemed to be so much in tandem with everything else. Such harmony.

She saw Tej coming through the balcony door. His lean frame more pronounced from the silhouette through his loose night shirt. The dark stubble in his chin complementing his brown skin. 

“It’s chill. Wear this”, handing over the cardigan to his wife, he continued, ” it’s so peaceful in here .”

“Ya.Feeling so relaxed”

Taking the tea cup from her hand, Tej made his way towards the steel railings. Turning around, he asked
“You remember our Mahabaleshwar trip. Even that place was beautiful”

“Yes of course, the one where you almost forgot to invite me”, rolling her eyes, Mansi feigned a frown.

“But I did at the end, right?”, with his trademark naughty grin.

“That’s only because I reminded you. Remember I sent you an SMS that very day”

“But you sent the message  on mistake, you can’t claim credit for that now!”, said Tej with a mock horror.

“Well!  Even as a mistake, I did send!!” , Mansi laughingly justified herself.

“But was it really a mistake?”, raising her brows in question, she asked Tej with a smile still playing her lips. She beamed recalling the events that led to that message that day.

It had been some time Tej talked to her.  She noticed that Tej found new ways to start a conversation with her every day. Sometimes it’s the exam notes, quality of evening tea in canteen on other days and at times even the good old clichéd – weather. Whoever discovered weather as a conversation starter had probably studied human behavior very closely. Weather never goes wrong. 

But for the past few weeks, Tej was not seen in the campus. She purposely made rounds of the canteen in the hours in normally which he visited, even stayed at the college gate for some extra 15 minutes talking to the gatekeeper just so that she came across him. She even brought him up in casual conversations with her permanent notes customer, Sid, trying not be too obvious that  Tej was all she thought about these days.

She realised she had to do something concrete, tangible to establish contact with him. Needless to say she was little upset at his absence and more so with his indifference for last few days. She thought they were on to becoming something long term. Nevertheless she decided to give a last try. She wanted some closure of their non existent relationship – whatever that meant. Even she didn’t believe her own words.

She had his number. He gave her the week before he went all hiding. She contemplated how to start the conversation. They have never talked over phone, nor did they ever message – not even in mistake. 

Ah! Mistake. Well they could be made, she decided. She could surely arrange that.

Scrolling down her contact list , she tried to check the name of anyone whose name started with T, of course other than the obvious one. 
“Tuhin! Great!” , she exclaimed.

So she started typing. 

“Hey Tuhin, it’s Mansi this side… Roy Sir just asked me to inform you that you left your notes at his desk. You need to personally go and collect it”.

She re- read the entire message once again and was satisfied that it surely sounded like her – notes, books, teachers. That’s what she was perceived to be. 

Then she hit send. Of course not to Tuhin. By mistake to Tej. 

Half an hour later.

” beep beep”

“1 message received ”

She smiled as she saw Tej’s name in the screen. Uuf! So it was worth all the trouble. 

………………………………………………………………

Mansi and Tej ~ Episode 2

Mansi saw him lazily wake up and make his way towards her. Pulling out the chair, he sat beside her, not before slightly caressing her cheek with the back of his forefinger. He liked the softness of her skin against his.

” You are early up today.. How’s that?”

“I don’t know how. May be it’s the bed. its not like the one at home”.

Tej looked at his wife. No matter where they are, how they are, his gaze always found her. They have been together for quite sometime – 3 years of dating, two years of marriage. And this woman has not been an easy one to deal with. An independent and driven woman, who knows what she wants and who gets what she wants. He found that extremely attractive. But even with her very shrewd personality, she is surprising a very sensitive woman adding a softness to her otherwise hard exterior.

He remembered the first time he saw her. She was actually hard to miss – a pretty girl with baggy clothes and dishevelled hair, sitting just across him, alone, in the bench staring into oblivion. He remembers the day vividly. It was the day when he submitted his final dissertation papers, it was also the day when his neighbour bought Moby, the brown lab and it was also the day when his friend Rit made the first move on his long term crush. No, he wasn’t a know – it – all. He just could never forget the most beautiful day of his life. 

He saw her brows cringe, eyes squinted, as if she was thinking hard. She quickly glanced in his direction but just not him in particular. She searched the crowd and found her subject of interest in Sid, who was sitting just a few seats to the right of Tej. Looking at him for which seemed like just a few second, she gritted her teeth, and turned her head back to the bunch of papers in her lap. 
Soon after, she started counting the no of pages. Once done he saw her look  slightly upwards and her mouth murmur something as if she was mentally making a calculation. She rummaged through her bag to bring out her purse, he saw her counting a few 500 rupee notes and take them out,roll them into a bunch and put in her trouser pocket. Now her face was relaxed. Her problem was solved it seemed.

Then she waited. He found it difficult to take his eyes off her. But not wanting to be branded as a creep, he made an effort to indulge in a casual talk to this guy Raj beside him. He found her occasionally still checking Sid with fleeting glances. And then after good 20 minutes just after the final bell when the crowd dispersed, he noticed her hurriedly gather her books and bag and walk towards Sid. It was difficult to make out their topic of discussion. From the distance at which he was, all he could make out was her stoic and calm face and a very no nonsense look. Sid’s displeasure at whatever was suggested was clearly noticeable. She passed on some photostated copies to him for which Sid handed her over a few fresh pink bills. She re-calculated them and put in her side bag and took out the bunch from her front pocket of her trousers and handed them over to Sid as change,so it seemed. She then extended her hand to shake his hands closing whatever their deal was.

Tej couldn’t help wondering what sort of deal could a 21 year old college girl make with this guy. He found her interesting and wanted to know more.

He approached Sid and casually asked,
“What’s the deal man?”

“Deal?…what deal?”

“You know with the girl just now”

“Oh, Mansi! Well nothing .. just exchanging notes. It’s her thing. She prepares study notes – scans through the class notes, and then goes over last year question papers, analyses the most common ones and then prepares the answers and distributes them in exchange of money. Well people say she has got quite a good record of making people convert exams. So I decided to try out.”

Tej wasn’t expecting this. His face involuntarily spread into a grin. This tiny girl was a business woman. 

“Well – ”
“Ya, I know man. That’s mean. Who takes money for helping out fellow mates!”, Sid complained.

Tej let out a chuckle.

“Well I am sure you don’t mind doing business with a pretty face like that”.

Sid turned towards Tej and looked at him as if he had grown two heads.

” Are you blind?”, blurted out Sid with an incredulous look.

Tej was taken aback, quite surprised.
He realised people surely didn’t see what he saw in her. He didn’t know what their idea of beauty was, but his surely was this tiny business woman.

———————————————————–

A guilty conscience ~ justwriteit

I. Then

First time I saw you,
I knew
You were my doom.

The dainty fingers,doe like eyes
The red hair and the 
grey hued eyes

The girl of the
dreams
I saw in my teen,
You were who she was
Now right in front
Well within my reach.

You invaded my life
My quaint little world
My safe haven.

No! don’t mistake it as love
For in your love
I never have been.

She is at home
My life,my anchor
My friend and my lover
She is who I want
Probably always have been.

I know it’s not a sin
To appreciate beauty
Complement someone so pretty and dainty.
But I feel guilty
For enamored I am with you now
To see you in flesh and blood
The girl of my adolescent dreams.

What do I do?
Plead guilty
And break her heart
Or ignore you
And preserve her love.
You,who seem 
More like a figment of my past
I see you but could never hold you
Are you real
Or should I confirm 
With a touch?

I wish you go away,
If you don’t,
Please make me forget.
I refuse to let my past
Ruin my present, my future
And betray her trust.

II. Now

Moments turned minutes,
Minutes promoted to days,
Still he couldn’t muster
Enough guts,
Courage.

No longer did she hold his attention,
No longer did she harness his lofty realms,
Only he couldn’t let go:
Guilt ridden he was,
Courtesy-
his old betrayer dreams.

The gray eyes now act like a pin
Pricking him in his old age.
He has none to blame
Only his previous promiscuous self.

If only,his dreams had
Left him
Just to himself.

Unaware she was then,
when consumed he was
of the doe eyed beauty;
Jealous rage engulfed her now
Seeing his ever blue eyes misty.
But the truth has changed she knew not -That the tears welled were not of reminiscence,but in fury.

For that was all he felt now when he recollects the Red haired doe eyed dainty.

Irony.
@sbb

Mansi and Tej ~ episode 1

Thump!

What was that? Startled, she forced her eyes open. She must have been dreaming, she thought. Feeling disoriented, she could not make out where she was. Gradually her eyes adjusted to the darkness and then she remembered. Its her hotel room. Mansi was on a vacation.

Glancing to her left, she could see Tej asleep. She searched for her phone which she normally kept beside her pillow but could not locate it until she saw it lying on the floor to her right. That explains the sound.

She peeked at the time by the watch resting on the corner table,5.11 am. Wondering why its still so dark,she alighted her bed and picked up the glass of water in the table beside. Slowly,Mansi made her way to the balcony still trying to remember what she dreamt but in vain. Pushing aside the curtains, she stepped outside. It is not so dark after all.

The sky has a whitish grey hue. It is dawn. Mansi sat on the chair, staring into the oblivion, not sure for how long. She turned around and saw her husband spread out in the bed. A faint smile appeared on her lips. This vacation was their second anniversary gift to each other. In these last two years, they have been so invested in their careers that they could hardly afford any time to go vacationing. So when Tej told her one month back he might be able get a week long leave in October, Mansi could not help planning and anticipating their lone time ahead.

Tej and Mansi were neither similar nor opposite in nature . People say opposites attract while others argue that like minded people always make the best pair; however they were neither of the two .They bonded like friends at times, quarreled like enemies for certain others and loved and lusted like lovers for all the rest. She could not say everything in her marriage was to her liking. In all probability, umpteen number of things would come up which she didn’t mind adjusting in bits and parts to her liking. She might not complain if Tej displayed his affections more openly time and again. Of the two, Tej was the sensible one, and Mansi the sensitive. Her husband was all about control and all she wanted was to let go. But Tej wouldn’t be the man he is, if he acted anything otherwise. Recalling the episode at Krishna Aunt’s house warming party three months back, she was all the more convinced that she liked her man as he is.

Krishna Aunty was her father’s cousin and all her relatives and friends were invited for the party. Varun, who was Krishna Aunty’s friend’s son was there at the party too.. He also happened to be Mansi’s friend having spend most of the afternoons hanging around at her aunt’s backyard with him all those adolescent and teenage years. Their friendship would have surely turned into something more if Mansi was willing with Varun always being vocal about his feelings towards her. She did have some feelings towards Varun in those earlier days. May be with some persuasion those could have turned into something not so platonic. However at that time he didn’t feel like the right person to her. Varun was upset by her rejection. Nevertheless they did remain friends but not as thick as before.

When she saw Varun at the party, all these thoughts hit her at once. Did she regret rejecting his proposal?. No, she didn’t. She glanced towards Tej. He knows the equation between Varun and his wife. Turning her attention again to Varun,she could still still the longing in his eyes. May be, not fiercely as earlier, but she could see a glimmer. 

Varun came over and sat beside her and popped up the ice breaker, “So, How’s life?”. She replied with a smile, “Good”. She could also see Tej looking at them through fleeting glances every now and then.

“Heard you are in Delhi now. Since how long?”, Varun asked

“Three years”, she replied, 

“…and before that?”

“Gurgaon”, she replied.

“So you have shifted to Delhi”, Mansi questioned

“Yes, new job, posted at company head office at The Plaza. That’s where you work right?. I was hoping we could catch up after all these times.”

“Yes, sure. Why not. How are your parents? They still in Nagaon?”, Mansi asked.

“Yeah.Still there. They are the reason I have shifted to Delhi, you know.”

“Really, How so?”

“They want me to get married. I am still not ready. Everyday for the last one year, they have been pestering me. So I decided to follow the policy of – out of sight,out of mind”, he chuckled.

“What’s so bad in getting married? It will do you good.”.

“Well,not every day you get a girl to your liking, and the one I liked chose another”

“Oh,” she replied deciding its time she ended this talk before someone says something which is totally unquotable .All this time, she realized, Varun was intently gazing at her and she was getting hugely uncomfortable.

Mansi again glanced at her husband. He was talking to Uncle Nripen. She suddenly felt very angry. Which self -respecting man would allow another man to cosy up to his wife in public. Mansi very well knew Tej saw her talking to Varun for good ten minutes. He might not be privy to their conversation being at a certain distance from them but she was in no mood to defend her husband’s indifference at that point of time. She being overly sensitive one expected Tej to come over and and say something, just for once to show possessiveness. She could feel tears building up in her eyes. She felt stupid, what is there to cry about!.

She excused herself and made her way towards the washroom deciding to recollect herself. Grabbing a tissue she dabbed her glistening eyes. “What is wrong with her?”, she thought. “Here is her husband who trusts her so much so as to leave her in Varun’s company and respects her enough not to make a scene at the party by going all territorial and she was crying. But that’s what she is and she can’t change that, she internally battled with herself justifying her emotional outburst”, she tried to justify herself .

Mansi liked her man to knows how to assert his presence. Not that she needed any protection and neither was she dependent on him financially or otherwise. But as much she loved her independence and self-reliant nature, she also couldn’t help wanting to the apple of her husband’s eyes. She wanted him to show it the whole world that she is his and he doesn’t share. Call her desires primal but that’s what she was. Oh Lord! If her friend Momi heard her now,the latter would have told her in no uncertain terms that it was due to her reading all those adult fiction novels in her teenage days. May be its true. Sigh!

The ride back home was silent.

Tej guessing my sour mood asked,” What’s the problem?”

She said,” Huh! No Nothing”.

Tej retorted,” Come on speak it out.”

“Nothing”, Mansi maintained.

His face turned grim. He didn’t pursue any further. Tej didn’t like one worded answers. She knew.

Mansi was taken aback when he again casually asked her, “Why is Varun in Delhi?”

“He changed jobs. Posted here now”,  she replied still wondering where the conversation is going

“Ohk. Where is his office?”, Tej kept on with his eyes still on the road.

“Plaza”

“Same as yours?, he said trying to confirm. She replied in affirmative.

She could see his knuckles turning white as he caught on to the steering wheels too tightly.

Mansi asked,” Why ? What’s the problem?”

“No Nothing”, he grunted.

Her lips involuntarily spread out into a smile. Her husband was upset and there she was grinning like a fool. Mansi looked outside the car window on her left, looking away from Tej feeling ecstatic at his display of emotion no matter how little that was. She knows he just respects and trusts her way too much to work on impulse. All her anger of the evening just evaporated.

The cool breeze suddenly hit her and she came to present times. She could feel a faint blush creeping into her cheeks recalling the passionate night that followed thereafter after reaching home that night.

Mansi again turned around to look at her husband and was not at all surprised to see him already awake,resting on his right elbow sideways and looking at her with a smile on his face. He normally wakes up by 5.45 am. His biological clock is probably set to it after years of waking up at the same time.

She wondered what going on in his mind.

Well that’s story for another time.

—————————

Cushion

Feathers
in my belly,
then along the
spine, a touch in 
the collar,and a grip 
pulling me in to a cosy 
envelope of the spoon,forming.
Sticky eyes open, one at a time, taking in the faint gray, seeping in through
the half open blinds.
The lids shut again,both this time.
A half slumber, a light head
The taste and the slight press.
Cushions.
Happy Sunday.
@sbb

Touchwood ~ musings

You know that defining moment which marks the threshold of your life.Whence you can classify all your moments as before and after, which changes your bones and alter your structure. And you wonder what’s was your purpose all along, you ponder at the futility of all that has gone by, you marvel at the thought of all that is to come. You are exhilirated and overwhelmed at what you are feeling now. You feel you might burst any time. You want to live everyday and not miss any moment.

You are scared.You are ecstatic. You don’t have a hangover cause your high refuses to go down.

I don’t know what to call it. Even “love” fail to encompass all your warmth.

That day has come.

@sbb

P.C Naman Totala